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I came across a great “Derivatives Primer” today. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did:

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers’ loans). Word gets around about Heidi’s “drink now, pay later” marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi’s bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi’s gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi’s borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.
Naive investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi’s bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi’s 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank’s liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.The suppliers of Heidi’s bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms’ pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi’s bar.

Now do you understand?

Hans goes to Thailand on a business trip. When there he goes to a “gentleman’s” club seeking compliant female company.

The Mama sends a girl over. She drinks. He drinks. She sits on his lap. Hans whispers in her ear and makes a suggestion.
She screams. Slaps his face and runs off.

Mama sends another girl over. Once again after a while Hans makes a whispered suggestion. The girl screams. Jumps up horrified and runs off in tears.

The same with a third girl, a fourth girl. Whatever Hans is suggesting even her most seasoned girls balk at.

So Mama thinks that she’ll have a go with Hans. She has not done the bedroom work for some years but she is quite understanding of the demands men make.

What can Hans be suggesting that disgusts the girls so much they run screaming from the bar?

So the Mama sits on Hans’s lap. They drink. Hans gets bold and whispers in Mama’s ear the very same suggestion he has made to all the girls so far: “Can I pay in Euros?”

That all changed yesterday when I drove alongside him as he walked towards his car and tooted my new train horn. It sounded even louder than I expected and this added to the effect. His sudden jump into orbit was followed by a look of shock and then embarrassment as he realized what was going on. It’s not often I have the opportunity to get the better of him, so it was a satisfying moment and I laughed all the way home. It’s an image that will stay with me forever.

Most adults yearn to be back in school playing tricks on each other and this piece of equipment definitely lets you do this. They’re not the cheapest auto products, but are definitely worth the money even just to see the reaction and facial expressions of people when they hear these horns for the first time.

It’s the simplest pranks that are often the funniest. No matter how many times you see this prank, it gets the same reaction, especially if you’re driving a small car. Seeing the sudden reactions and expressions makes it all worthwhile. It’s even funnier if you play this trick on someone who is generally cool and over-confident about themselves.

Later on, I called my friends cell phone. Naturally enough it wasn’t answered so I left an apologetic message, but couldn’t resist laughing at the end of the recording. As one of my best friends, he’ll eventually see the funny side. All-in all, it was worth it just to see his reaction as he jumped for cover from my favourite new toy – my new train horn!

Ok, the spoofs are funny, but I still want one …

photo credit: alles-schlumpf

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

However, the next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.’

Paddy replied, ‘Well then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’

Paddy said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’

Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’

Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at two pounds apiece and made a profit of £898′

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.’

Paddy now works for a major bank that will remain nameless …

(Thanks to Peter for the amusing video)

It’s an awesome viral video produced by Scofield Editorial which netted more than half a million viewers in two weeks. I hope it puts a smile on your face in the same way it put a smile on mine.

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute “furniture store” if you don’t know what “Ikea” is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I’d like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That’s fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I’m sure you can find one you like.

C: I need one that’s 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don’t have one.

C: But how do get there?

Y: We’re just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

C: Wait, wait, you’re going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

Anyone?